...bRoKeN...

a heaping pile of damaged goods
shards...fragments of what used to be
a miserable escape...all closed in - worn.
how do you pick up the pieces?
where do you begin?
each action leads to a new mistake

feeling
low
lower
lowest.

where is my relief?

....
i am lost.

...a ChAnGe Of HeArT...

i guess when they say "give it some time" that shit really works.

Ok wait a minute I am getting ahead of myself. I started hanging out with a friend, this person is someone that I have 'known of' for a while but never really spent much time talking to or getting to know him until more recently.

The more I spend time with him, the more I realize how much we have in common, and not just how much we have in common but how much I really enjoy spending time with him. He is smart and funny and whenever I'm with him I just have a good feeling.

I don't think that means that I want to rush into a relationship with him but I am okay with spending more time getting to know him and taking things slowly, I don't want to put myself out there and have things end the same way that the last 3 adventures (I don't really want to call them relationships) ended. I definitely don't want to put myself out there and get hurt again, the simple reason why is because that shit sucks and I don't want to deal with that again. So at this point, I will continue to take things at a snails pace and see what happens. I'm still feeling him out. There is one huge turn off for me (he is a smoker), which I said I would never do again. However, he does not smoke when we are together which is cool because I really hate the smell of cigarettes. So that is definitely slowing me down when it comes to making a real connection with him. Although it is a cliche....'only time will tell' what this adventure will bring.

On a side note, I have been trying to be a 'bigger' person and even though I am severely disappointed in the way things turned out with JVN, I have decided to try to keep the lines of communication open. I am not really sure why I am doing that, I guess because I am a nice person and he asked if we could still be friends so I'm just like whatever. At some times it is like torture to do this but here I am trying to keep things peaceful...ugh!!

On the other side note, (come on there are always 2 sides of every story, or usually 2 sides with every meal...i dunno, anyway)....A blast from the past has suddenly started to contact me again. When I was a when I was a sophomore in college I had a brief 'adventure' with a guy, XJF, and it really didn't go anywhere. He and I hung out a few times and then he decided he wanted to pursue one of my suite mates so that is how that rounded out. At any rate because nothing too terribly serious happened between us I just chalked it up to 'it is what it is' and kept it moving. He left school for some reason after that year and then I only had contact with him rarely. About a year ago, I ran into him at a store but I was running late and didn't have time to stop so I basically did a 'hi and bye' and walked out that door. Well yesterday I got a text message from this number that I didn't know (I have had the same cell phone number for the last 5 years) I sent the logical response...'who is this' and it ended up being XJF. He said he had been thinking about me and found my number. We talked via txt message throughout the morning and he asked to see me. I was busy (because I was at work) so I told him I had to go, this was his response...."Do you wanna just call me when your done with work hun? I really want to finish talking to you. I really been thinking about you a lot lately. Don't understand. " I said ok but I am not really sure what to make of this 'reaching out' that he is doing. I mean, what the hell are you doing thinking about me? You and I only hung out a couple times, it never went anywhere besides that. So I'm not sure what there is to think about. I guess I'm gonna give him a call so I can at least find out what he has to say but I'm kind of clueless at this point.

My life is like a loaded baked potato, there's always way too many things are getting put on me.

...pOwErFuL wOrDs FrOm A sMaLl BuT mIgHtY sOuRcE...

I got called to come an consult on a allegation of abuse case with a 7 year old girl and during the course of the session this is what she said...

"Happiness comes from doing things you love with people who make your insides feel warm."

So after that session I really tried to sit and re-evaluate the people that are in my life and tired to get a better understanding of what really is important. I have been blessed with some phenomenal friends and family members who truly have a large impact on my life and my happiness. Over the past few months I have really lost sight of that happiness. I had a lot of 'toxic' encounters in my life with people who I thought made me happy but it was not happiness, if anything it was convenience or a distraction or some other unexplainable force that magnetized me to them. Either way it's sliced...things have been a continuous circle of negativity and that 7 year old girl helped me to realize what is important...surrounding myself with people who make my insides feel warm.....So....that is my new quest.

A quest for happiness. Wish me luck.

...hOrIzOn...

sometimes its tough to keep looking to the horizon and trying to stay positive when you have so much negativity around.... *wait a minute - in my job i'm always telling my clients to use i statements i really need to follow that myself; let me try this again*

sometimes its tough to keep looking to the horizon and trying to stay positive when i have so much negativity around me. there are days when i really have to sit and ask myself what the fuck is going on here. nothing works out the way that plan or the way that i want it to and let me tell you it's very fucking discouraging. i used to think it was a sign of weakness to have that longing for someone special/meaningful in my life. so i never allowed myself to really experience that. i spent a lot of time lying to myself and ignoring the way that i really felt, simply because i was so caught up in the story i made up in my head, telling myself that i didn't care about having someone there.

well now that i've gotten a little older and in particular now that i have really experienced love and then loss i realize that i really do have that longing or desire to find that again. it's amazing how life perspectives change as the time passes...because ask me how important companionship was to me a couple years ago and i would've given a totally different response compared to how i feel about it now.

the main problem that i keep experiencing is now that i am searching for 'that special someone' i am constantly faced with all the wrong guys. BJM was a disaster, CPT was a huge mistake, JVN was a stiff kick to the gut and now there's just me. and i'm getting pursued by other guys but i already know that neither of them are the right guy, however i keep hanging out with them...why? is it because i think they will grow on me? is it out of boredom? it it because i'm just this pathetic person who has a desire to feel wanted and they provide that for me? how fair am i being to them knowing what they want is not what i'm willing to give but i'm stringing them along away.

i have all these questions and unfortunately no answers.

talk about horizons....

...iNtImIdAtIoN...

Intimidation...a powerful word that confuses the hell out of me. I guess before I get into my rant on intimidation I should share some background since it has been approaching a year since I've last blogged about a million and four things have happened. The marriage turned out to be a complete failure...the guy I chose ended up being the wrong guy for me, you'd think I would've figured that out before the ceremony however, I guess he was either very good at masking his true intentions or I was just blind. Either way...that chapter in my life is now done.

So moving on to the point of this whole 'intimidation' thing. I met a guy through a friend, actually the original meeting was actually to set me up with a different guy, which did not go over at all, and this guy (we'll call him barista) showed up to the group outing. Well throughout the whole evening everyone laughed and joked had a great time and we all left. After leaving the barista sent several text messages to my friend asking about me. She was the 'middle man' for awhile and eventually I gave the okay to pass on my number. About 10 minutes after I gave the okay I got a text from the barista and we went back and forth texting until we eventually made plans to meet up at the coffeeshop the next night (hence the name 'barista'). We hung out and had coffee and talked for like 3 hours, he seemed really nice and very intriguing, I really wanted to get to know more about him. When we left he walked me to my truck and then I got a text message a couple minutes after I pulled off from him telling me that he had a great time. We sent text messages back and forth for a while and made plans to meet up for dinner one night. We spent a few more nights hanging out and then I invited him over to watch a movie...so basically we were just hanging out and really seeming to hit it off.

He was very sweet and charming and a totally different type of guy than I was used to. He was completely understanding of my situation, which I was really up front about and totally cool with just hanging out and keeping things casual. This casual hanging out went well for a couple of months. I mean there was no pressure for anything. It was great. I think it was like maybe 3 or 4 weeks before we even hugged. Then it took an additional 3 or 4 weeks before we kissed. We kept hanging out. Eventually we fooled around and had sex. Things were still cool, he was opening up more to me (at least in my opinion) because he was telling me that he really liked me and really wanting to spend time with me and blah, blah, blah, etc. So I started to let my guard down a little with him and told him I really liked him to.

Well apparently that was intimidating, because after I did that then he started to become very distant. Then we 'broke up' I guess, under the guise of him not being able to offer me anything because I am already so established and he is younger than I am and doesn't know what he wants to do with himself, he doesn't want a relationship, blah, blah, blah, etc. I was alittle bothered by that but had no reason to doubt anything he said so I just kept trucking. But...

And there is a but...2 days after this conversation with him, I get a call from that same friend who passed my number to him and was told that he had a new girlfriend, which I found to be very interesting since he specifically told me, that he does not want a relationship. I was also told that his facebook status said 'Feelin Her'. So I called him and asked if there was something that he did not tell me when we talked the other night. Of course he conveniently did not know what I was talking about. So I said, something like you having a new girlfriend, so he kept saying "I don't have a new girlfriend" so then I said well I was told that you do and then your facebook start says 'feelin her' so I know that is obviously not directed at me, so who are you feelin? Finally, he asks, do you really want to know, to which I replied obviously I want to know otherwise I wouldn't have asked. He carried on about how his ex-girlfriend came back into his life and all those old feelings were resurfacing and didn't want to do something to hurt me by cheating me and he didn't want things to end this way and blah, blah, blah.

Basically, a liar.

Typical, that seems to be a pattern in my life. I am so up front and honest with people about my shit but everyone else just feels the need to lie to me. Apparently, I'm the girl that all the guys pretend to want but fuck over.

...nOt AnOtHeR sTaTiStIc...

throughout my travels through life i get to meet some pretty interesting people. for some reason i keep running into some very close-minded individuals. they have their preconceived notions about the city and about public education in the city and how horrible of a place to live the city must be because of all the things they hear about crime and etc. i am aware that everyone is entitled to their own opinion however i have a very difficult time accepting their close minded views. i hear people saying things like "kids in the city have no future", "kids in the city are just bad and don't want to learn" and many other very discouraging comments pertaining to the city schools. i always find myself having to try to educate people with this mindset when i run into them. i went to city schools throughout all of my educational history. i went on to graduate in the top 10% of my graduating class, i earned a bachelors degree and eventually earned a masters degree all with the city school quality education as my foundation that led me to the goals that i have accomplished. people always seem to be facinated when i tell them that i went to city schools...one person even said "i figured you had to have gone to a good school, since you are so smart". in those instances i remind people that i did go to a good school despite their preconceived views city schools. when will people learn to be more open minded? when will they learn that every person who goes to a city school does not turn out to be a failure...when will they learn to move past the bad statistics and learn that accept that city schools do not just breed idiots and not every kid will turn out to be just another negative statistic...

...mAsKs...

we all wear masks, it’s our shield
a form of protection
but what do we do when we get lost in the mask
confused about our own identity
i’m at a point in my life where i feel
there is a constant struggle between
my outer mask and my inner self
every…one always looks for me to
be a pillar of strength.
i’m glad that i can be strong for others
but i struggle when i can’t be that for myself.
sometimes i get so lost in being strong
that i forget its okay to be vulnerable.
i’m getting ready to begin my career as a therapist
i've been preparing for this for six years and i’m
so nervous and a little scared but i’m struggling
with allowing myself to be vulnerable
i’m struggling with not being strong….