Myopic Broadcast

women troubles

2010-11-16T23:00:00.003-05:00

I'm struggling...I got a man & I'm trying to make him happy, trying to hold it down for our family (we have a newborn son) and this man insists on continuing communications with an ex fuck buddy. He claims they are just friends and that it's nothing to worry about, says she isn't trying to get at him yet she sends him text messages every morning say "I hope you have a good day" does she really need to send a message every morning? Doesn't that seem excessive? Seems like she is waking up thinking about my man and she wants to make sure when he wakes up he thinks about her too...I mean these text messages are coming in at like 8 o'clock in the morning! Then he clearly tells me that she doesn't like me because I got him but yet I'm supposed to believe she doesn't want him...how do you just all of a sudden not want someone that you've been lusting after since they 1st fucked you?! I know how good the sex is...I'm telling you the girl is sprung! She is sending him text messages that say "call me I want to hear your voice" that is crossing the line! BIG TIME! I mean there is no reason why a purely plutonic friend would be asking for a call just to "hear your voice" that's bullshit. And then of course we have the fact that he talks to her about problems we have in our relationship...what do you think she does....she agrees with everything he says, makes sure to state that she knows better and she would never make the same mistakes that I am making...bullshit! She is just saying everything he wants to hear because she is laying in wait...she is trying to make sure that she will be the first name that comes into his head if and when we get into a huge blow out so that he will call her to vent and she can say some slick shit like well why don't you come over an get out of the house for a couple of hours, just until you cool down. Then bam this bitch will have him in her grasps and before you know it somebody is fucking somebody that they shouldn't be fucking! She's running game on him and he don't even realize it. The question that I can't figure out is why he is trying so hard to hold on to this girl. He claims she ain't nobody, and that he hasn't seen her in well over a year and that she's young and has the mentality of a 16 year old and that she has nothing to offer him and yet I asked him to cut ties with her and to no longer talk to her again to tell her not to call him anymore and you know what he did...he called her 2 days later and talked to her for 12 minutes. I don't know what he said but when I brought it up he made sure to tell me that she has stopped calling him pretty much after an incident where I went the fuck off. Yet he talked to her and didn't tell her to stop fucking calling...what not? I'm frustrated because I don't know how to handle this...he tells me I already won, I have him and he isn't going anywhere but I know how men are...they can fuck people and it mean nothing more than just bustin a nut. How do I know that this bitch won't say exactly what he wants to hear and then BAM they fuckin! I'm trying not to trip but I can't help it...I can't afford to have my heart broken AGAIN by being cheated on...I need someone who is going to be faithful and him holding on to this "friendship" and I use th term loosely because this bitch is trying to get my man but he acts like he don't realize it. Ugh....trying to work though this but DAMN my insides are all tworn up about it!

...bRoKeN...

2009-07-26T15:00:00.005-04:00

a heaping pile of damaged goods
shards...fragments of what used to be
a miserable escape...all closed in - worn.
how do you pick up the pieces?
where do you begin?
each action leads to a new mistake

feeling
low
lower
lowest.

where is my relief?

....
i am lost.

...pOwErFuL wOrDs FrOm A sMaLl BuT mIgHtY sOuRcE...

2009-07-05T12:14:00.006-04:00

I got called to come an consult on a allegation of abuse case with a 7 year old girl and during the course of the session this is what she said...

"Happiness comes from doing things you love with people who make your insides feel warm."

So after that session I really tried to sit and re-evaluate the people that are in my life and tired to get a better understanding of what really is important. I have been blessed with some phenomenal friends and family members who truly have a large impact on my life and my happiness. Over the past few months I have really lost sight of that happiness. I had a lot of 'toxic' encounters in my life with people who I thought made me happy but it was not happiness, if anything it was convenience or a distraction or some other unexplainable force that magnetized me to them. Either way it's sliced...things have been a continuous circle of negativity and that 7 year old girl helped me to realize what is important...surrounding myself with people who make my insides feel warm.....So....that is my new quest.

A quest for happiness. Wish me luck.

...hOrIzOn...

2009-07-03T10:50:00.005-04:00

sometimes its tough to keep looking to the horizon and trying to stay positive when you have so much negativity around.... *wait a minute - in my job i'm always telling my clients to use i statements i really need to follow that myself; let me try this again*

sometimes its tough to keep looking to the horizon and trying to stay positive when i have so much negativity around me. there are days when i really have to sit and ask myself what the fuck is going on here. nothing works out the way that plan or the way that i want it to and let me tell you it's very fucking discouraging. i used to think it was a sign of weakness to have that longing for someone special/meaningful in my life. so i never allowed myself to really experience that. i spent a lot of time lying to myself and ignoring the way that i really felt, simply because i was so caught up in the story i made up in my head, telling myself that i didn't care about having someone there.

well now that i've gotten a little older and in particular now that i have really experienced love and then loss i realize that i really do have that longing or desire to find that again. it's amazing how life perspectives change as the time passes...because ask me how important companionship was to me a couple years ago and i would've given a totally different response compared to how i feel about it now.

the main problem that i keep experiencing is now that i am searching for 'that special someone' i am constantly faced with all the wrong guys. BJM was a disaster, CPT was a huge mistake, JVN was a stiff kick to the gut and now there's just me. and i'm getting pursued by other guys but i already know that neither of them are the right guy, however i keep hanging out with them...why? is it because i think they will grow on me? is it out of boredom? it it because i'm just this pathetic person who has a desire to feel wanted and they provide that for me? how fair am i being to them knowing what they want is not what i'm willing to give but i'm stringing them along away.

i have all these questions and unfortunately no answers.

talk about horizons....

...iNtImIdAtIoN...

2009-06-27T10:12:00.005-04:00

Intimidation...a powerful word that confuses the hell out of me. I guess before I get into my rant on intimidation I should share some background since it has been approaching a year since I've last blogged about a million and four things have happened. The marriage turned out to be a complete failure...the guy I chose ended up being the wrong guy for me, you'd think I would've figured that out before the ceremony however, I guess he was either very good at masking his true intentions or I was just blind. Either way...that chapter in my life is now done.

So moving on to the point of this whole 'intimidation' thing. I met a guy through a friend, actually the original meeting was actually to set me up with a different guy, which did not go over at all, and this guy (we'll call him barista) showed up to the group outing. Well throughout the whole evening everyone laughed and joked had a great time and we all left. After leaving the barista sent several text messages to my friend asking about me. She was the 'middle man' for awhile and eventually I gave the okay to pass on my number. About 10 minutes after I gave the okay I got a text from the barista and we went back and forth texting until we eventually made plans to meet up at the coffeeshop the next night (hence the name 'barista'). We hung out and had coffee and talked for like 3 hours, he seemed really nice and very intriguing, I really wanted to get to know more about him. When we left he walked me to my truck and then I got a text message a couple minutes after I pulled off from him telling me that he had a great time. We sent text messages back and forth for a while and made plans to meet up for dinner one night. We spent a few more nights hanging out and then I invited him over to watch a movie...so basically we were just hanging out and really seeming to hit it off.

He was very sweet and charming and a totally different type of guy than I was used to. He was completely understanding of my situation, which I was really up front about and totally cool with just hanging out and keeping things casual. This casual hanging out went well for a couple of months. I mean there was no pressure for anything. It was great. I think it was like maybe 3 or 4 weeks before we even hugged. Then it took an additional 3 or 4 weeks before we kissed. We kept hanging out. Eventually we fooled around and had sex. Things were still cool, he was opening up more to me (at least in my opinion) because he was telling me that he really liked me and really wanting to spend time with me and blah, blah, blah, etc. So I started to let my guard down a little with him and told him I really liked him to.

Well apparently that was intimidating, because after I did that then he started to become very distant. Then we 'broke up' I guess, under the guise of him not being able to offer me anything because I am already so established and he is younger than I am and doesn't know what he wants to do with himself, he doesn't want a relationship, blah, blah, blah, etc. I was alittle bothered by that but had no reason to doubt anything he said so I just kept trucking. But...

And there is a but...2 days after this conversation with him, I get a call from that same friend who passed my number to him and was told that he had a new girlfriend, which I found to be very interesting since he specifically told me, that he does not want a relationship. I was also told that his facebook status said 'Feelin Her'. So I called him and asked if there was something that he did not tell me when we talked the other night. Of course he conveniently did not know what I was talking about. So I said, something like you having a new girlfriend, so he kept saying "I don't have a new girlfriend" so then I said well I was told that you do and then your facebook start says 'feelin her' so I know that is obviously not directed at me, so who are you feelin? Finally, he asks, do you really want to know, to which I replied obviously I want to know otherwise I wouldn't have asked. He carried on about how his ex-girlfriend came back into his life and all those old feelings were resurfacing and didn't want to do something to hurt me by cheating me and he didn't want things to end this way and blah, blah, blah.

Basically, a liar.

Typical, that seems to be a pattern in my life. I am so up front and honest with people about my shit but everyone else just feels the need to lie to me. Apparently, I'm the girl that all the guys pretend to want but fuck over.

...nOt AnOtHeR sTaTiStIc...

2008-08-03T01:00:00.003-04:00

throughout my travels through life i get to meet some pretty interesting people. for some reason i keep running into some very close-minded individuals. they have their preconceived notions about the city and about public education in the city and how horrible of a place to live the city must be because of all the things they hear about crime and etc. i am aware that everyone is entitled to their own opinion however i have a very difficult time accepting their close minded views. i hear people saying things like "kids in the city have no future", "kids in the city are just bad and don't want to learn" and many other very discouraging comments pertaining to the city schools. i always find myself having to try to educate people with this mindset when i run into them. i went to city schools throughout all of my educational history. i went on to graduate in the top 10% of my graduating class, i earned a bachelors degree and eventually earned a masters degree all with the city school quality education as my foundation that led me to the goals that i have accomplished. people always seem to be facinated when i tell them that i went to city schools...one person even said "i figured you had to have gone to a good school, since you are so smart". in those instances i remind people that i did go to a good school despite their preconceived views city schools. when will people learn to be more open minded? when will they learn that every person who goes to a city school does not turn out to be a failure...when will they learn to move past the bad statistics and learn that accept that city schools do not just breed idiots and not every kid will turn out to be just another negative statistic...

...mAsKs...

2008-06-29T20:39:00.002-04:00

we all wear masks, it’s our shield
a form of protection
but what do we do when we get lost in the mask
confused about our own identity
i’m at a point in my life where i feel
there is a constant struggle between
my outer mask and my inner self
every…one always looks for me to
be a pillar of strength.
i’m glad that i can be strong for others
but i struggle when i can’t be that for myself.
sometimes i get so lost in being strong
that i forget its okay to be vulnerable.
i’m getting ready to begin my career as a therapist
i've been preparing for this for six years and i’m
so nervous and a little scared but i’m struggling
with allowing myself to be vulnerable
i’m struggling with not being strong….

ReSpItE

2008-06-06T11:07:00.002-04:00

I had to take a break from blogging I was becoming overwhelmed with life and felt as if I was being consumed by a black hole. Everything I wrote I hated...I was beginning to get discouraged. I contemplated giving up writing...but I couldn't stay away, it's like a mosquito bite that won't stop itching. That drive, that desire to create, to try to make sense of these jumbled words that cloud my head. There's a huge internal struggle....and somehow I'm everything and nothing; organized and chaotic; drained and energized; calm and hostile; I am

I am

well...I am back.

...mOdErN dAy GlAdIaToR...

2008-01-25T09:41:00.001-05:00

vigorously fighting for a cause
feels like
one versus thousands
battling an army
a crow plunging into the fire
powerful & persistent
a phoenix soaring up from the water
staring into the face of death for…

duty.
honor.
country.

protecting those you serve
children. women. men.

YOU struggle daily, to preserve OUR freedom
how can we ever express our….
Gratitude?

. . . tHaNk YoU!

...gLaMoRoUs...

2008-01-19T08:40:00.001-05:00

hard at work
ever so glamorous
worn out & broke - down

persistent

relentlessly on the beat
a street~worker
or
do the streets work her
how did she get to this place
chance...fate
the false thread of appeal
fast…
easy…

…and then comes the remedy
a substance to change her mood
with a new found sense of comfort
…she can go on
hard at work and still

…glamorous

...pRoGrEsSiVe DiNnEr BlOg CaRnIvAL...

2008-01-16T17:04:00.000-05:00

You Are Invited To The Blogosphere's Only Progressive Dinner Carnival

Have you ever been to a progressive dinner? You start out at one house or restaurant to have hors d'oeuvres and cocktails, then move on to a different one for appetizers, and continue moving from place to place all the way through dessert.

That's the idea behind the new Progressive Dinner Blog Carnival...

Soup To Nuts is ONE BLOG CARNIVAL presented in five "courses", each with a different host.

Entries are being accepted NOW.
Dinner will be served on Wednesday, January 30th.

{You can submit one post, per blog, on any subject - please do not use any post more than once}

You can participate in 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5 courses

The Hors d'oeuvres & Cocktails course...
will be served here, at Fear and Loathing - The Gonzo Papers.
Email your entry for the hors d'oeuvres & cocktails course
to me {subject line Progressive Dinner} at: kilroy60@gmail.com

The Appetizer course...
will be served at Change Therapy.
Email your entry for the appetizer course
to Isabella {subject line - Progressive Dinner} at: moritherapy@shaw.ca

The First Course...
will be served at Fallen Words
Email your entry for the first course
to Sara {subject line - Progressive Dinner} at: ilovetowriteSMP@yahoo.com

The Main Course...
will be served at Anja Merret - Chatting To My Generation.
Email your entry for the main course
to Anja {subject line - Progressive Dinner} at: anja@hqlondon.net

The Dessert Course...
will be served at Fiction Scribe.
Email your entry for the dessert course
to Jaime {subject line - Progressive Dinner} at: sylver1@tpg.com.au

Your entry should include...

---(-)-> Your name as you want it to appear
---(-)-> The name(s) of your blog(s)
---(-)-> The corresponding URL(s)
---(-)-> The title of your post(s)
---(-)-> The corresponding URL(s)

The Rules are simple...

1. Only English language posts will be accepted.
2. No posts with titles that include profanity or pictures of a sexual nature.

This is a one-of-a-kind blog carnival. The hosts would appreciate your help to promote the event. Let us know if you publish a post promoting the progressive dinner, your effort will be recognized. To make things as easy as possible for all involved, I ask the post more or less follow the structure of this one.

...sHaMe...

2008-01-14T22:01:00.000-05:00

unwilliningness 2 admit
the wrongs commited
self-repulsion
looking for acceptance
in any way
even when its wrong
distraught…
distressed…
disgusted…
using my body as leverage
all the while only fooling myself
i seek the day that i accept me 4 me
3 tries
2 tries
last try &… FAILURE
im alone an now tainted
because of what i let U do 2 me
…still seeking acceptance
yet all i find is
|shame|

...aPoLoGy NoT aCcEpTeD...

2008-01-05T14:01:00.001-05:00

well as life would have it
what goes up...must come down
similar to gravity
my level of magnificent peacefulness
has begun the all to familiar
downward spiral...
ive decided i am
sick sick sick
of everyones shit
STOP DUMPIN ALL UR CRAP ON ME PEOPLE
so as my excitement to begin 2008
plummets further & further, closer & closer
to my complete & utter annoyance with
just about everyone that surrounds me
in particular the collective group of idiots that i
unfortunately have to call "co-workers"
i have decided that i am no longer accepting
these mediocre apologies that people throw at me
when they have wronged me....
damn u & ur crappy ass apology
go play in some new york city traffic!
Apology NOT Accepted!

...aPoLoGiZe, OnErEpUbLiC...

2008-01-05T13:50:00.000-05:00

[Verse 1]
I'm holdin' on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground.
And I'm hearin' what you say,
But I just can't make a sound.
You tell me that you need me,
Then you go and cut me down...
But wait...
You tell me that you're sorry,
Didn't think I'd turn around...
And say...

[Chorus]
That it's too late to apologize.
It's too late...
I said it's too late to apologize.
It's too late.
Yeah!

[Verse 2]
I'd take another chance,
Take a fall, take a shot for you.
I need you like a heart needs a beat,
But it's nothin' new.
I loved you with a fire red,
Now it's turnin' blue...
And you say...
Sorry, like an angel
Heaven let me think was you...
But I'm afraid...

[Chorus]
It's too late to apologize.
It's too late.
I said it's too late to apologize.
It's too late.
Whoa!

[Interlude]

[Chorus]
It's too late to apologize.
It's too late.
I said it's too late to apologize.
It's too late.

It's too late to apologize. YEAH!
I said it's too late to apologize. YEAH!
I'm holdin' on your rope,
got me ten feet off the ground.

...sTaRt Of A nEw YeAr...

2008-01-04T13:07:00.000-05:00

well 2008 def got off
to a lil bit of a rocky start
but i still have high hopes
...besides...
in the past couple of days
things have turned out to
be nothin but gorgeous
....well, gorgeous...
besides the horrible
january weather that we get
here in the great state
of new york things are slowly startin to
get in order
& make sense in my life
im just a few months shy of graduating
with my masters in counseling & life at this point is
lookin gorgeous....
just like the beautiful models in my picture
lookin gorgeous...

...oDe To 2007...

2007-12-31T17:51:00.000-05:00

...oDe To 2007…

the year has been nothing short
of the biggest rollercoaster ive ever been on
ive been in situations that range from
gigantic clusterfucks to absolute bliss
nevertheless im lucky to have people in my life
that i can depend on and grow with
so for the upcoming year im hopin for
less clusterfucks & more bliss…

...2007 ~~~ wRaPpEd Up...

bIgGeSt MoMeNtS: successfully competing my 1st counseling internship & doing so well that they offered me a job, celebrating another year with the love of my life
bIgGeSt ReGrEtS: lost friendships
tRaVeLeD: chicago, watertown, buffalo
pLaNs FoR 2008: graduate from grad school with my masters in mental health counseling, get married, start house hunting to purchase my 1st home, BUY A NEW CAR!!!

...in 2007

2007-12-29T21:02:00.001-05:00

1-Did you kiss anyone? yup

2-Did you date anyone? yup

3-Are you going to kiss someone when the ball drops? yup

4-Did you lose any friends? yes

5-Did you gain any friends? sure

6-Did you do something new? probably

7-Did anyone important to you die? no

8-Did you change? i experienced changes

9- Are you happy with the year overall? i suppose

10-Whats the best thing that happened to you? one of the best things was getting a 100% on my psychopharmology final exam (thats hard to do in grad school)

11-Did you fall in or out of love? i fell in love with my future hubby all over again constantly throughout the year

12-Are you happy the years almost over? yes!!!!!!!!!! ~ big things are coming in 2008!

13-Are you going to change something about yourself next year? things will definitely change next year

14-Do you think 2008 will be a better year then 2007? it has to be ~ there's too many great things in the works
15-Did you lose your virginity in 2007? it's been missing for a while now

16- What did you screw up in 2007? nothing major...ive done worse

17-Did you go to an amusement park? no too busy

18-Did you go to a concert? same as Q17

19-Did you go to any parties? a few

20-Did you go on a summer vacation? no but i did go on a few weekend trips

21-Did you lie to your parents? no, haven't had to do that since i moved out of their place

22-Are you enjoying your relationship? most of the time (hey, nothings perfect)

23-Did you leave the country? no

24-Did you have a good birthday? probably the same quality of birthdays that ive had for the past few years

25-Did anyone in your family get married? no, not in my family but a few friends did

26-Do you think you grew up? absolutely

27-Did you dye your hair? yes

28-Would you kiss the last person you kissed? i'd have to say yes, since i'm plannin to kiss him for the rest of my life

29-Did anyone sing to you? yup...it was cute, very comical but cute

30-Did you sing to anyone? yup, including a bar with about 20 ppl in it....i sang the national anthem thanks to a bet from a friend

31-Did anyone tell you they loved you? my family, a few friends and my soon-to-be-hubby

32-Did you ever go to the hospital? no

33-What did you drink and eat the most? tacos, cuz they're my fav food & probably sprite or beer

34-Did you change your top 8 friend on myspace at least 8 times? no

35-Did you change your myspace profile over 10 times? no

36-Did you change your myspace default pic at least 20 times? no

37-Did you get a tattoo? no

38-Did you vote? yes

39-Are you going to make a new years resolution? yes

40-Did you stick to your new years resolution from last year? not entirely

41. Think you'll date someone in 2008? yes

42. Where will you be when the ball drops? at some bar

43. Do you think you will make new friends in 2008? i hope so

44. Are you hoping to meet someone special in 2008? nope, i'm covered in that area

45. How do you feel, another year has passed you by? i wish i'd made a few decisions differently, but i think i'll do better in 08'

46. Learn anything important about someone? Yes

47. How old will you be next year? 24

...mErRy ChRiStMaS...

2007-12-25T11:12:00.002-05:00

and so this is christmas...

for some unknown reason
this holiday season just
doesn't seem to add up
i have family & friends all around me
but ive never felt so alone
maybe it has somethin to do with
the fact that one of my really great friends
called me this morning to wish me a merry
christmas and then profess his love for me
i was absolutely not expecting that
i cant talk to my fiance b/c he will just get
angry that this friend "pursued" me & i will get no where fast...
i am upset with this friend b/c now we are no longer goin to be able to
talk...i cant have him makin me feel uncomfortable and pissin off my fiance
by bein all weird everytime we hang out-why do things have to be so complicated
just once id like to have a normal holiday (no drama) but whos to say whats normal anyway...

...bOuNd...

2007-12-23T12:21:00.000-05:00

i wish i could shed away all my pain through tears
release…a new found sense of freedom
to separate the hurt, shame…the sting of
loving
no one ever said love would be this hard
2 feel so strongly for another
~drained~
bound by the pulls of society
this way & that; that way & this
the throbbing grows ever steadily to the brink of explosion
release…
the only sense of escape
CRY
y cant i

...sUrReNdEr...

2007-12-20T16:52:00.000-05:00

2 me
surrender urself
…fully…completely…entirely
and i ... will in turn
due
the same
helplessly
guided
by the magnetic attraction to
…U

relinquish me
~ as i have u…

...lOsT...

2007-11-30T16:16:00.000-05:00

years & years of disappointment
where are u, y aren't u here
a multitude of memories;
without u there
devastation
deprivation
i'm lost & alone...

everything...

2007-11-27T16:47:00.000-05:00

everything i need and i never knew i wanted...

...kIsS...

2007-11-21T14:36:00.000-05:00

simple action
leads 2 sweet embrace fully completely in tune
with ur partner
releasing urself...ooohh
a perfectly connected facet of 2
2 joined as 1
soul body mind linking….

kIsS me...

...lIfE lIsT...

2007-10-20T15:30:00.000-04:00

...pLaCeS tO gO...

1. spain
2. california
3. paris
4. italy
5. london

...tHiNgS tO dO...

1. sing the national anthem at a baseball game
2. open a private practice in my profession
3. create some type of scholarship for underprivileged teens attending college

...101 uNdIsClOsEd ItEmS...

2007-10-13T16:00:00.000-04:00

1. im getting married soon & im sooo nervous
2. i was the 1st one in my fam 2 graduate from college
3. i was the 1st 1 in my fam to pursue a masters degree (i graduate in 6 months)
4. my fiance is a different race then me & we still have to deal with adversity from my fam
5. im terrified of being a mom b/c i dont want to screw up my childs life
6. im worried that my fiance will be more of a friend then a father to our kids
7. i had some of the best times of my life at college
8. i did lots of things that i regret while at college
9. my fav color is blue
10. i hate what i look like naked but my fiance says its his fav view of me
11. it makes me angry when people ask me about my ex (when im with my fiance)
12. i use my bestfriends life as a guideline for how i want my future to look
13. i love to wrestle with my fiance
14. i feel most comfortable in "flash dance socks", sweats and a hoodie
15. i love havin burpin contests with my fiance
16. i wish i wasnt so intimidating to people
17. sometimes i wish people would give me a break from always being the strong one
18. sometimes i get sick of having to work so hard, to do well
19. i love to dance around my house in "flash dance socks", panties and a tank top
20. i worry that i dont cry enough
21. i hate that people ask me if i am "psychoanalysing" them, just because im a psychologist
22. i love to sing
23. i wish i had the courage to pursue singing as a career
24. i always dreamed of singing the national anthem at a baseball game (so i can say "lets play ball" at the end)
25. i used to sing the national anthem (occasionally) at basketball games where i went to college
26. i sang the national anthem at an open mic night in a bar b/c my friend bet a shot & a beer i didnt know the words
27. i am starting to love scrapbooking
28. i have a hard time giving people 2nd chances
29. i overanalyze everything...everything
30. i hate meditating because i cant get my thoughts to stop racing
31. i love to eat tacos...i could eat them everyday for the rest of my life and be content
32. i hate doing laundry & cleaning the bathroom
33. i wish my mother wasnt so selfish
34. my biological father was killed when i was 4 years old
35. my fam made me meet the guy who did it to help me "forgive" him....i NEVER forgave him
36. i worry that my dad is watchin me and is disappointed in what ive done with my life
37. i hate that i feel like i have to prove myself to my biological fathers fam
38. my biggest fear is disappointing myself
39. my 2nd biggest fear is becoming like my mother
40. i struggle with learning how to forgive people for the some of the things theyve done
41. i wish i could have sex every single day
42. sometimes i worry that i enjoy sex way more than i should
43. i love havin sex in the shower, it seems so naughty & erotic
44. i once had sex in an elevator
45. i love to laugh
46. i fear that i dont laugh enough
47. i try to pretend that i dont care about what other people think of me
48. it really bothers me when people think im a mean person
49. i wish that our world wasnt so stuck on race & class
50. i get sick of having to prove myself because of my sex & my color
51. i hate astrology
52. i get really annoyed when people find out my zodiac sign then try to relate to me by telling me their sign
53. it really bothers me when people have no desire to further their education (even if its just readin the newspaper)
54. i hate it when people look down on manual laborers
55. i think everyone should spend the day working as a garbage collector to humble themselves
56. i always wanted to be a mail carrier so when i got angry i could threaten to "go postal"
57. there are 7 things ive done in my life that ive never forgiven myself for
58. before i die i hope to get that list down to at least 3
59. i love to watch forensic crime shows so i can learn how to kill people & get away with it
60. id like to completely redo our judicial system
61. i hate being alone because it forces me to think about all the painful things ive dealt with in my life
62. i was molested by an uncle for several years when i was younger
63. i told my grandmother and she didnt believe me
64. i never forgave her for that
65. i worry that my life is passing me by cuz im so busy all the time
66. my knee is screwed up and it will cause me problems for the rest of my life
67. i regret not having the surgery to correct it when i had the chance
68. i love to sit around and watch old movies
69. i am jealous of people who already have all the things that i want
70. i get very angry when people complain about not having material things
71. i worry that im going to go through life without making a difference
72. i wish i was able to be more emotional
73. when i am emotional i get angry because i dont know how to handle it
74.i went to college still dating my high school boyfriend
75. that is one of the things that i regret about college
76. i have a lot of "friends"
77. i only have one quality friend
78. i wish i wouldve taken dance classes as a child
79. i feel like im wasting my talents
80. i worry that i will never make my grandmother happy
81. im angry that i have to prove myself to my grandmother
82. ive only felt unconditional love by 3 people in my life
83. one of those 3 people is my best friend (thank u. S-4-L)
84. i worry that i spend so much time takin care of others that i never let anyone take care of me
85. im allergic to coconut
86. once when i was depressed, i decided to drink a lot of pina coladas
87. after my 3rd pina colada i gave up on giving up and took some benadryl
88. people in my profession have the highest divorce rate in america
89. i am terrified that my marriage will end in divorce
90. im envious of people who can lay around and let others take care of them
91. i like to mix random things with different kinds of alcohol to see what tastes better
92. i hate that i had to waste my adolescent years raising my siblings
93. i love to cook & bake; my family calls me betty crocker
94. especially when i do everything from scratch
95. people who act helpless annoy me
96. i hate it when people act like they are better than others...we are ALL people
97. i hate when people talk down about public education
98. i worry that im not making the right career choice
99. i feel pressured when others put me in the position of a leader
100. when i was younger i dreamed of becoming a famous poet
101. yesterday i wrote a poem for the 1st time in 9 years & ive never felt more at ease