...bRoKeN...

a heaping pile of damaged goods
shards...fragments of what used to be
a miserable escape...all closed in - worn.
how do you pick up the pieces?
where do you begin?
each action leads to a new mistake

feeling
low
lower
lowest.

where is my relief?

....
i am lost.

...pOwErFuL wOrDs FrOm A sMaLl BuT mIgHtY sOuRcE...

I got called to come an consult on a allegation of abuse case with a 7 year old girl and during the course of the session this is what she said...

"Happiness comes from doing things you love with people who make your insides feel warm."

So after that session I really tried to sit and re-evaluate the people that are in my life and tired to get a better understanding of what really is important. I have been blessed with some phenomenal friends and family members who truly have a large impact on my life and my happiness. Over the past few months I have really lost sight of that happiness. I had a lot of 'toxic' encounters in my life with people who I thought made me happy but it was not happiness, if anything it was convenience or a distraction or some other unexplainable force that magnetized me to them. Either way it's sliced...things have been a continuous circle of negativity and that 7 year old girl helped me to realize what is important...surrounding myself with people who make my insides feel warm.....So....that is my new quest.

A quest for happiness. Wish me luck.

...hOrIzOn...

sometimes its tough to keep looking to the horizon and trying to stay positive when you have so much negativity around.... *wait a minute - in my job i'm always telling my clients to use i statements i really need to follow that myself; let me try this again*

sometimes its tough to keep looking to the horizon and trying to stay positive when i have so much negativity around me. there are days when i really have to sit and ask myself what the fuck is going on here. nothing works out the way that plan or the way that i want it to and let me tell you it's very fucking discouraging. i used to think it was a sign of weakness to have that longing for someone special/meaningful in my life. so i never allowed myself to really experience that. i spent a lot of time lying to myself and ignoring the way that i really felt, simply because i was so caught up in the story i made up in my head, telling myself that i didn't care about having someone there.

well now that i've gotten a little older and in particular now that i have really experienced love and then loss i realize that i really do have that longing or desire to find that again. it's amazing how life perspectives change as the time passes...because ask me how important companionship was to me a couple years ago and i would've given a totally different response compared to how i feel about it now.

the main problem that i keep experiencing is now that i am searching for 'that special someone' i am constantly faced with all the wrong guys. BJM was a disaster, CPT was a huge mistake, JVN was a stiff kick to the gut and now there's just me. and i'm getting pursued by other guys but i already know that neither of them are the right guy, however i keep hanging out with them...why? is it because i think they will grow on me? is it out of boredom? it it because i'm just this pathetic person who has a desire to feel wanted and they provide that for me? how fair am i being to them knowing what they want is not what i'm willing to give but i'm stringing them along away.

i have all these questions and unfortunately no answers.

talk about horizons....

...nOt AnOtHeR sTaTiStIc...

throughout my travels through life i get to meet some pretty interesting people. for some reason i keep running into some very close-minded individuals. they have their preconceived notions about the city and about public education in the city and how horrible of a place to live the city must be because of all the things they hear about crime and etc. i am aware that everyone is entitled to their own opinion however i have a very difficult time accepting their close minded views. i hear people saying things like "kids in the city have no future", "kids in the city are just bad and don't want to learn" and many other very discouraging comments pertaining to the city schools. i always find myself having to try to educate people with this mindset when i run into them. i went to city schools throughout all of my educational history. i went on to graduate in the top 10% of my graduating class, i earned a bachelors degree and eventually earned a masters degree all with the city school quality education as my foundation that led me to the goals that i have accomplished. people always seem to be facinated when i tell them that i went to city schools...one person even said "i figured you had to have gone to a good school, since you are so smart". in those instances i remind people that i did go to a good school despite their preconceived views city schools. when will people learn to be more open minded? when will they learn that every person who goes to a city school does not turn out to be a failure...when will they learn to move past the bad statistics and learn that accept that city schools do not just breed idiots and not every kid will turn out to be just another negative statistic...

...mAsKs...

we all wear masks, it’s our shield
a form of protection
but what do we do when we get lost in the mask
confused about our own identity
i’m at a point in my life where i feel
there is a constant struggle between
my outer mask and my inner self
every…one always looks for me to
be a pillar of strength.
i’m glad that i can be strong for others
but i struggle when i can’t be that for myself.
sometimes i get so lost in being strong
that i forget its okay to be vulnerable.
i’m getting ready to begin my career as a therapist
i've been preparing for this for six years and i’m
so nervous and a little scared but i’m struggling
with allowing myself to be vulnerable
i’m struggling with not being strong….

ReSpItE

I had to take a break from blogging I was becoming overwhelmed with life and felt as if I was being consumed by a black hole. Everything I wrote I hated...I was beginning to get discouraged. I contemplated giving up writing...but I couldn't stay away, it's like a mosquito bite that won't stop itching. That drive, that desire to create, to try to make sense of these jumbled words that cloud my head. There's a huge internal struggle....and somehow I'm everything and nothing; organized and chaotic; drained and energized; calm and hostile; I am

I am

well...I am back.

...mOdErN dAy GlAdIaToR...

vigorously fighting for a cause
feels like
one versus thousands
battling an army
a crow plunging into the fire
powerful & persistent
a phoenix soaring up from the water
staring into the face of death for…

duty.
honor.
country.

protecting those you serve
children. women. men.

YOU struggle daily, to preserve OUR freedom
how can we ever express our….
Gratitude?

. . . tHaNk YoU!