...hOrIzOn...

sometimes its tough to keep looking to the horizon and trying to stay positive when you have so much negativity around.... *wait a minute - in my job i'm always telling my clients to use i statements i really need to follow that myself; let me try this again*

sometimes its tough to keep looking to the horizon and trying to stay positive when i have so much negativity around me. there are days when i really have to sit and ask myself what the fuck is going on here. nothing works out the way that plan or the way that i want it to and let me tell you it's very fucking discouraging. i used to think it was a sign of weakness to have that longing for someone special/meaningful in my life. so i never allowed myself to really experience that. i spent a lot of time lying to myself and ignoring the way that i really felt, simply because i was so caught up in the story i made up in my head, telling myself that i didn't care about having someone there.

well now that i've gotten a little older and in particular now that i have really experienced love and then loss i realize that i really do have that longing or desire to find that again. it's amazing how life perspectives change as the time passes...because ask me how important companionship was to me a couple years ago and i would've given a totally different response compared to how i feel about it now.

the main problem that i keep experiencing is now that i am searching for 'that special someone' i am constantly faced with all the wrong guys. BJM was a disaster, CPT was a huge mistake, JVN was a stiff kick to the gut and now there's just me. and i'm getting pursued by other guys but i already know that neither of them are the right guy, however i keep hanging out with them...why? is it because i think they will grow on me? is it out of boredom? it it because i'm just this pathetic person who has a desire to feel wanted and they provide that for me? how fair am i being to them knowing what they want is not what i'm willing to give but i'm stringing them along away.

i have all these questions and unfortunately no answers.

talk about horizons....

...nOt AnOtHeR sTaTiStIc...

throughout my travels through life i get to meet some pretty interesting people. for some reason i keep running into some very close-minded individuals. they have their preconceived notions about the city and about public education in the city and how horrible of a place to live the city must be because of all the things they hear about crime and etc. i am aware that everyone is entitled to their own opinion however i have a very difficult time accepting their close minded views. i hear people saying things like "kids in the city have no future", "kids in the city are just bad and don't want to learn" and many other very discouraging comments pertaining to the city schools. i always find myself having to try to educate people with this mindset when i run into them. i went to city schools throughout all of my educational history. i went on to graduate in the top 10% of my graduating class, i earned a bachelors degree and eventually earned a masters degree all with the city school quality education as my foundation that led me to the goals that i have accomplished. people always seem to be facinated when i tell them that i went to city schools...one person even said "i figured you had to have gone to a good school, since you are so smart". in those instances i remind people that i did go to a good school despite their preconceived views city schools. when will people learn to be more open minded? when will they learn that every person who goes to a city school does not turn out to be a failure...when will they learn to move past the bad statistics and learn that accept that city schools do not just breed idiots and not every kid will turn out to be just another negative statistic...