...bRoKeN...

a heaping pile of damaged goods
shards...fragments of what used to be
a miserable escape...all closed in - worn.
how do you pick up the pieces?
where do you begin?
each action leads to a new mistake

feeling
low
lower
lowest.

where is my relief?

....
i am lost.

...pOwErFuL wOrDs FrOm A sMaLl BuT mIgHtY sOuRcE...

I got called to come an consult on a allegation of abuse case with a 7 year old girl and during the course of the session this is what she said...

"Happiness comes from doing things you love with people who make your insides feel warm."

So after that session I really tried to sit and re-evaluate the people that are in my life and tired to get a better understanding of what really is important. I have been blessed with some phenomenal friends and family members who truly have a large impact on my life and my happiness. Over the past few months I have really lost sight of that happiness. I had a lot of 'toxic' encounters in my life with people who I thought made me happy but it was not happiness, if anything it was convenience or a distraction or some other unexplainable force that magnetized me to them. Either way it's sliced...things have been a continuous circle of negativity and that 7 year old girl helped me to realize what is important...surrounding myself with people who make my insides feel warm.....So....that is my new quest.

A quest for happiness. Wish me luck.

...hOrIzOn...

sometimes its tough to keep looking to the horizon and trying to stay positive when you have so much negativity around.... *wait a minute - in my job i'm always telling my clients to use i statements i really need to follow that myself; let me try this again*

sometimes its tough to keep looking to the horizon and trying to stay positive when i have so much negativity around me. there are days when i really have to sit and ask myself what the fuck is going on here. nothing works out the way that plan or the way that i want it to and let me tell you it's very fucking discouraging. i used to think it was a sign of weakness to have that longing for someone special/meaningful in my life. so i never allowed myself to really experience that. i spent a lot of time lying to myself and ignoring the way that i really felt, simply because i was so caught up in the story i made up in my head, telling myself that i didn't care about having someone there.

well now that i've gotten a little older and in particular now that i have really experienced love and then loss i realize that i really do have that longing or desire to find that again. it's amazing how life perspectives change as the time passes...because ask me how important companionship was to me a couple years ago and i would've given a totally different response compared to how i feel about it now.

the main problem that i keep experiencing is now that i am searching for 'that special someone' i am constantly faced with all the wrong guys. BJM was a disaster, CPT was a huge mistake, JVN was a stiff kick to the gut and now there's just me. and i'm getting pursued by other guys but i already know that neither of them are the right guy, however i keep hanging out with them...why? is it because i think they will grow on me? is it out of boredom? it it because i'm just this pathetic person who has a desire to feel wanted and they provide that for me? how fair am i being to them knowing what they want is not what i'm willing to give but i'm stringing them along away.

i have all these questions and unfortunately no answers.

talk about horizons....